Tuesday, 6 March 2007

Were been vicd now! (2/5)

Cops love doughnuts and solve crimes. These were harmless. I caught up with their Deputy Chief Constable at the scene of the eviction:

“Why are you like that”

“Oh Harry dyes all his wives … it’s silly really”

The officers mostly stood around Bluetoothing one-another’s siren ring-tones. Police presence is nonetheless essential to this kind of eviction, and the time it takes to order one, essential to the life cycle of a London squacht.

Inside the building, the robobailiffs were working with the local community to ensure that the eviction was as green as the verminous action it extruded. All contact on the ground and basement decks was to benefit the Romanian Orphanage Fund. With easy access to the christenous vortex, sustainable waste disposal had never been a problem. Now, body disposal wasn’t. The robobailiffs had arrived on military public transport, first checking the APC stop to make sure they were on the right side of the road – “We can get the AAVP-7A1 or the AAVR-7R1, they both go there” – then hoping they had enough credit on their Gator Cards (see note 2).

The upper deck, where the actual Vortex Jazz Bar had once chaired, was fragged before bailiffs proceeded into the danger zone. Contact was minimal besides all flesh is gas.

Note 2: All bailiffs do time in the Humvee Egress Assistance Trainer during Basic Training. The HEAT is an M1114 or uparmoured humvee chassis mounted on an axle and powered by a generator. When activated, the device rotates the entire chassis to simulate a rollover situation. The bottom line, from a safety viewpoint, is that the first time a bailiff is involved in a rollover will not be the first time he or she has gone through the experience. The bailiff will have the necessary muscle memories to perform the roll-out manoeuvre and still touch out.

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