Sunday, 15 May 2005

From "Office Speak"

By D. W. Martin.

Flaubert wrote that somewhere in the moldy remains of a notary's heart lies a poet. The same could be said for the modern businessman, except we would have to change "notary" to "modern businessman" and "poet" to "jock" [...]

Croquet
"Great job, Kate, you knocked it through the wicket."

Figure Skating
"I just read your report, Brad. You landed a triple salchow with this one, congratulations. I always knew you had it in you."

Competitive Hot Dog Eating
"Squeeze the air out of the bun, then dip it in water, then break the hot dog into pieces and alternately eat the hot dog and bun, that's how you're going to meet your deadline."

In the Trenches: War and Officespeak

For some people, sports aren't enough. These people crave the confrontational, the aggressive, the violent. They scorn today's youth as being a bunch of hippie-dippie louts who could use a shave and a haircut. They walk around the office with corncob pipes wedged between their teeth, service revolvers hanging at their sides. When you go into their offices, you notice tapestry-size maps of the company's floor plan tacked up to the walls. Red and green arrows swarm around the blueprint and tiny army men and tanks seem to have set up camp right outside your cubicle. These people dreamed as children of riding with Genghis Khan, raping and pillaging across Central Asia. These are the warmongers in your office, and their language reflects this passion. Sure, they might be terrifying and irrational, but when the walls are crumbling about you, there's no one you'd rather have lead the charge to profitability [...]