Thursday, 8 April 2004

From "Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle"

By Stewart Lee.

Somewhere along the line, as a society, we confused
the notion of home with the possibility
of an investment opportunity.
What kind of creature wants to live in an investment opportunity? Only man.
The fox has his den,
the bee has his hive, the stoat has a, a stoat hole.
But only man, ladies and gentlemen,
the worst animal of all,
chooses to make his home in an investment opportunity.
Mmm, snuggle down in the lovely credit.
Oooh all warm.
In the mortgage payment.
MMM.
But home is not the same as an investment opportunity.
Home is a basic requirement of life,
like food,
and when a hamster
hides hamster food in his hamster cheeks,
he doesn’t keep it there in the hope that it will rise in value;
and when a squirrel hides a nut
he’s not trying to play the acorn market;
and having eaten the nut,
he doesn’t keep the shell
in the hope of setting up a lucrative sideline making tiny hats for elves;
and when a dog
buries a bone, he doesn’t keep that bone buried until the point where it has reached
its maximum market value,
he digs it up when he’s hungry.
And if exchange agents were dogs burying bones
not only
would they leave those bones buried until they reached their maximum market value,
but they would run around
starting rumours about imminent increases in the price of bones,
in the hope of driving up the market,
and they’d invite loads of boneless dogs to view the bone at the same time,
in the hope of giving the impression there’s a massive demand for bones,
and they’d photograph the bone in such a way as to give the impression that it’s much more juicy than it realy was,
airbrushing out the maggots, and cropping the rotten meat.

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